Discoloration

My bruises are coloring up more each day. My leg is positively yellow today. Friends keep telling me that it's leftover betadine, except it spreads, and changes color each day, and it won't come off with rubbing alcohol. I think not.

The first of my steri strips came off yesterday. The skin around my incisions is really itchy, but I don't want to get any lotion or anything too close.

I broke down at PT for the first time today. Not the first time I broke down, but the first time I broke down at a doctor's office. My PT was really nice about it, and totally validated my feelings, but I hate to cry in public. I always think I'm so much tougher than I really am. I'm kind of a mush when it really comes down to it. But, I pulled myself together, and finished my session. I'm exhausted now, it was a tough session.

Several people have told me that the way to get through this is to set small goals. I'm already worried that my first goal is not achievable. I was hoping to be off my crutches by the time I go back to work, and I'm not sure that's going to happen. I'm really working hard, but the knee still is really not weight bearing, and I am just not sure how much further it will progress in 6 days. I'm not ready to abandon it yet, but I am prepared for the concept that I might fail at that particular goal. Oh well, more reason to set another one.

Emotional drain

i think I was somewhat prepared for the physical toll this surgery would take. I can guarantee I was not ready for the emotional difficulty that would come along with it.

It's hard work to be broken. Every move takes effort. My back hurts from laying down all day, but i can't find another position to lay in that is any better. It takes work to get to the bathroom. It takes work to sit up and eat. Even sitting in the CPM machine is a struggle.

I"m having trouble wrapping my brain around all of this effort. I'm trying to be positive, to set goals, and to find the bright side of each thing. An example, the CPM machine is a trial for me, but it will shorten the total recovery, by strengthening me more now.Most of the time I'm able to keep a bright outlook, but it catches up to me here and there. Usually, with absolutely no notice, on the turn of a pin. Yesterday, my aunt called to check in on me. She asked me how I was doing, and I broke into tears. Poor Auntie, she just wanted to wish me well, and I completely lost it.

I wish I had more control over my emotional state. I don't know if it's the vicodin, or just the sheer size of the recovery I'm dealing with, but I seem to have very little control over when and how things hit me. Hopefully, as my knee improves, as I gain more flexibility and strength in my leg, this will improve as well.

Speaking of healing, I'm adding a couple of photos of my gorgeous bruise patterns. They're just swell looking, and getting better by the day.

Difficult days

The past two days have been pretty tough. The block has completely worn off. I'm now working completley on vicodin, and struggling.

Yesterday, I woke up with no block left at all. I had a full day in store. First, I took a shower. Being that I can't balance very well to stand up, and that I can't really lift my foot up and over the edge of the bathtub, I had to have my mom help me shower. I don't think my mom has had to bathe me since I was six or so. She also had to help me dress, as I still cannot get my underwear up to my knees.

Once dressed, I piled into a taxi cab and went to the chiropractor. Even in the big minivan style cabs, there really isn't enough room to make me truly comfortable on the trip, and every little jiggle and bump of the cab is painful.

I got home from the chiropractor, and had all of about 1/2 an hour before I had to get back into another cab and go to physical therapy.

While we didn't do anything very taxing at PT, it was exhausting. I was hooked up to something called Russian Stimulation, which is electrical stimulation which is intense enough to actually activate the muscles of my left thigh. It's pretty creepy.

Today was a little more laid back, I had nowhere to be, and had a visitor today. My biggest roadblock today is cabin fever. I didn't realize how emotionally difficult it would be to deal with the boredom, the pain, and the total incapactiation that comes with this recovery. I am unable to do anything on my own. I can't dress, I can't get my own food, I can hardly get into bed. I can't get into my CPM machine on my own. If my folks weren't here, I honestly don't know what I'd do. I suppose I could have food delivered, except that I can hardly get to the door in order to accept a delivery. it's exceptionally difficult, and doesn't seem to get much easier as time passes.

Finally, at risk of crossing the line of TMI, I also haven't gone to the bathroom since my surgery. I'm a little worried the vicodin may be backing me up. I'm trying to stay up with high fiber, and I'm not feeling particularly backed up, but being that it's been 4 days, I'm a little concerned.

Tomorrow is Sunday. I'd love to go to church with my parents. I'm not sure how I'm going to fit in a pew, even if we can manage to get there. I guess I'm going to try and get a good night's sleep, and then, depending on how I feel, I can gauge the feasibility of church from there.

Day 2- Torture

This morning was not great. While my block hadn't completely worn off, I definitely could feel more sensation in my knee than yesterday. The sensation was not good.

My first task of the day was to remove my surgical dressings. I got my first look at my knee, post op. It's kind of gruesome. there are a couple of small arthroscopic holes, with a single stitch in each. The incision where they removed the donor tendon is just over 2 inches long, and has a bunch of stitches and steri-strips across it. I'll post a picture later.

As I didn't sleep well last night, I spent this morning napping and playing online intermittently. My friend Meghan stopped by, which was a high spot. She brought me sunflowers, which are such happy, optimistic flowers. They give me a little lift to look at.

Then, the day took a serious turn. At 4:00, a man from Lenox Hill brought over my new toy, a CPM machine. CPM stands for continuous passive motion. My leg gets strapped into this machine, and then it slowly bends and straightens my leg. I am supposed to sit in this machine for 4-6 hours.

When he set up the machine initially, my doctor's instructions were to set the machine at 60°. That means that my leg goes from straight to a 60° bend. I strapped in, and started up the machine. Somewhere around 35°, it began to feel tight. 40° was uncomfortable. 60° brought tears to my eyes. I stuck in at 60° for a couple of minutes, and had to set the machine back down to 40°, because I simply could not bear the higher setting.

Make no mistake, the 40° bend is terribly uncomfortable. I'm now about halfway thru my 5th hour, and it's not getting any easier. It's painful. Really painful. I'm struggling with it.

The thing that is most difficult about the machine is that is seems like a marker of the difficulties I have ahead. I never thought it would be easy to get through this rehab, but I don't think I was really aware of how painful it would really be. I have a LOT of work ahead of me, and I am not going to enjoy much of it.

Surgery a Success

I made it, I'm through the first step!

We got to the hospital at 6:45 this AM. Being that I slept so poorly, that was a pretty darn early morning. Once we got there, we waited almost 1/2 an hour in a small waiting room. Seriously, that was the extent of waiting. At 7:15, I was taken into the changing room to put my hospital gown on. From then on, I went straight into talk to the nurse, then into do blood pressure, etc, then to talk to the anesthesiologist, then to the OR nurse, then the doc, and then they took me straight into the operating room. Literally I was probably completely under by 8 AM.

The surgery was successful, I did well, and everything looks good. The anesthesiologist put me under general, plus I was given a nerve block for my left leg. I'm still a little bit under the block, so the full extent of pain hasn't quite kicked in. I'm starting my vicodin, and hopefully will be able to sleep tonight.

Because of the block, my leg is literally a wet noodle today. It will be a bit more sturdy tomorrow, which is good, because I'm clumsy as anything right now. I almost fell over when I was getting out of the cab on the way home. Like a tree in the forest, straight over! Fortunately, Dad was there to grab me, and help me out, cause I had no help for myself.

I feel like I'm doing pretty well, but again, tomorrow will be a little more of a true test. I also haven't had my brace off yet, that's tonight when I go bed. Tomorrow, we can unwrap my bandages, and see how totally disgusting my knee looks. I also am getting a humdinger of a bruise on my hand, from the IV. Fun times! Whatever, that will all heal.

Anyway, I'm soon off to bed, I'm worn out. It's hard work, laying around all the time!

Off we go

Today's the day. I slept horribly, and am wiped out this am. Oh well, at least I'm on my way.

Can't sleep

I don't understand how it is that I can be totally wiped out, and yet I can't seem to turn off my brain enough to actually go to sleep. I have to be up in about 6 hrs, but I'm just staring at my ceiling.

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow. I know it'll all be fine, the surgeon is really talented and all taht, but I'm definitely getting just a touch freaked out.

I took a picture of my legs today, i'll post it to this entry. Even though they aren't currently matched, I fear that's the closest they'll be for quite a while. it sucks, cause I think I have shapely legs, and actually rather attractive knees, as knees go. Actually, I don't think anyone truly has beautiful knees, but mine are on the upper end of the spectrum of knee beauty.

I thought I'd have more of a chance to blog at work today about how I was feeling. Turns out i was so busy trying to wrap everything up that I didn't have a single chance. I hardly had time to think about what was going on at all, much less actually type it.

All right, I think I'm going to try to read a little, which usually makes me sleepy. Hopefullly no more until after the surgery...

One day to go

Tomorrow is the big day. I'm a little nervous. I think I'm more nervous about the recovery process than the actual procedure. I've decided to wear a short skirt today, because I think it'll probably be a while before I can show off my legs again.

Mom and Dad are coming tonight, and will be with me during the surgery. I am off to work today. I have to wrap up a bunch of little details for my time away. I was at work until 10 last night doing that very thing. Hopefully tonight will not be as late.

More later.

4 days and counting

I'm getting antsy. I have a bunch of stuff left to do before surgery, but I'm ready to get thwat whole process underway.

I still really feel like this is all I talk about. Obviously it's all I talk about on here, that's the point, but it seems that's about all I have to discuss when out with friends. I ask them about what's going on in their lives, and enjoy hearing what they have to say. But on my end, this is really all I have.

At work, I've been frantically trying to wrap up all my last minute changes. Unfortunately, there are a lot of them, and being that they are by nature, last minute, I'm worried I'll get more on Monday. I'm already assuming I'll be at work late on Monday. Tuesday is my last day, and I don't want to have to stay late, because my parents are coming for the surgery and are arriving around 5 ish that day. As Tuesday may be our only night to easily go out and have dinner in a restaurant, I don't want to be at work until all hours of the night, while they watch TV in my apt.

Today is my troupe's annual picnic. I'm hoping it will be fun, but am worried that yet again, my knee will be the ONLY topic of conversation. I'm hoping I can talk about other stuff, and people will understand, but don't really think that's going to happen. There will be a lot of new faces there, who I haven't seen since this happened. If only I was friends with uncaring people, they wouldn't give a crap about my knee, and I could stop talking about it!

Sleep-less night

Sleep-less, meaning less sleep than desired, or less sleep than originally planned. I went to bed at 11, set the alarm for 6:00 (so I could do my PT at the gym this am) and tucked in. I fell asleep, but woke at 2:30 with problems getting comfortable, as the knee was weirdly sore. I was up for 2 full hours, until 4:30 or later. When the alarm went off at 6:00, I couldn't get out of bed, but also couldn't get back to sleep. I'm way too beat to get to the gym now, and am dreading a full day, plus happy hour, plus birthday party tonight.

Ugh. I hope I don't have too many of these nights. I don't need a LOT of sleep, but I don't do well if it's not all in a row.

Humbling Therapy Experience

I had some trouble this week scheduling physical therapy sessions. I was able to get a morning Tuesday session, but today I had to settle for a 6:00 spot, with a different therapist.

This shouldn't be a big deal. He has my chart from my regular therapist. He can follow my therapist's plan of action as to what exercises I'm working on. I didn't, however, take into account that I would be much more tired at the end of the day, as compared to the morning. Additionally, new therapist means slightly different exercises. I've been doing leg lifts with my therapist for a bit now. Very basic leg lifts, lying on my back and raising my leg about 2" off the ground. This guy had me lifting my leg up close to 45°. Um...yeah. I can't do that. What? I can't lift my leg without assistance to forty five flipping degrees? Nope, that would be negatory.

It really sucks, it's kind of humbling to see how quickly you can lose control of your facilities. My accident was only a month ago, and already I'm really changed. I don't like it.

In other news, I had my pre-op testing this week. No phone calls, so I'm good to go, green lights ahead. GULP!

2 steps forward, one step back- see, I'm dancing!

It seems for every bit of progress I make, I turn right around and back up a step. Friday, I was having a decent day. I was moving fairly well, the knee wasn't too swollen, and I was generally in a pretty good mood.

As I was walking across Canal street on my way home, I was struggling a bit, because there are always a thousand people on Canal street, and none of them have any regard for anyone around them. I took the tiniest side step around some idiot, and my knee buckled. I managed to get my other foot down, to keep me from falling on my ass, but it hurt. It hurt so much, I had to stop for a minute, and hold onto a lightpost until the immediate pain subsided.

By the time I got home, my knee was swelling a bit, again, and getting very stiff. The stiffness and swelling remained through Saturday.

It's frustrating, because I really want to do everything I can to make this better. One of the things I need to do is rest, and let it heal. If you know me, you know I'm really not a very patient person, so that part is extremely difficult for me. Patience may be a virtue, but not one I've ever possessed.

Two weeks and counting

My surgery is 2 weeks from today. In fact, by this point in the day, i may even be home already. Probably home and miserable, but home.

I have a couple of random things to vent about today. First of all, transportation in this city SUCKS. It seems as though it's very accessible, but only if you're extremely mobile. There are a lot of elevators in the subway system, it's true. The city has been doing a pretty good job of keeping most of them in working order. The problem is, half the time, the ramp for the elevator is 3 times the distance of the stairs. The stairs are a pain in the butt, but at least they are close. My other favorite trick of the subway system is the elevator that goes from street to mezzanine, but, then the subway track is inside the gate, and down another set of stairs. Um... how is that accessible?

I'm trying to find the best way to get from my office to my home (and the reverse) so that while I am on crutches, I can minimize my walking distances during my commute. I've tried about 8 different combinations of subway and bus, and it seems that ALL of them include about the same amount of walking distance. Sure, these three subways connect, and alleviate an outdoor walk. Too bad you have to walk 17 miles underground to transfer from one subway to the next. Or up two flights of stairs, and then back down two more. um... no. I think my final answer is to take the train right outside my office up to my cross street, and then take a cab. It'll cut down the cost of the cab to about $4.00 a ride, which is still pricey, but much cheaper than taking it the entire way, and it doesn't add too much additional walking distance.

Another thing on my mind, I am starting to resent people at my gym. It's a sad, sad day when you realize you're glaring at the 60 year old woman on the exercise bike next to you, because she's showing off. By showing off, I mean actually riding the bike with her two perfectly functional knees. I, in comparison am grunting and straining, trying simply to get my knee bent to the 12:00 position on one side and 2:00 on the other.

Finally, what brilliant designer made bus seats so high? I realize I'm not extremely tall, but at 5'4", but I'm not far off from the average US female height. So why don't my feet touch the ground in a city bus seat? I've been riding buses in NY for 12 years, and this never really dawned on me until now, but as I sit with my bad knee dangling, it HURTS! I have to turn my right foot sideways, and rest my left foot on the arch of my right. Oh so comfortable, let me tell you. I think I'm going to find out who designs the city's bus seats, and once my knee is all better, that person is going to be the first in line for a butt kicking with my brand new knee.

Talkin 'bout it, talkin 'bout it, talkin 'bout it

It's interesting to me just how much of my current life seems to revolve around my injury. It seems to me that every conversation that I have ends up coming back to my knee in some way. Currently, my roommate and I are in the process of interviewing new roommates to fill our 3rd bedroom. Unfortunately, the timing of this empty room is less than optimal. My surgery is on the 24th of June, and the room is avaliable on July 1st. As I will be on crutches for at least two weeks, the old roommat eis moving out and the new roommate is moving in while i'm completely and totally infirm.

Honestly, it shouldn't be a huge problem. I'm most likely going to be spending a lot of time in my room, sleeping, and putting my feet up. However, I need to let potential roommates know, because it affects the decision making process a bit. We're choosing very soon, as I need to get all the details taken care of long before my surgery.

It's a little odd to tell people I've never met before about my surgery, and weirder yet to have them wish me luck on the operation/recovery. It seems to me that I can't seem to talk about anything except my knee. How's work. Tough, my knee makes it harder to concentrate, navigate the office, and sit all day. Additionally, PT and doctor's visits mean I'm late to work a lot. How is the social life. Tough, I can't really go out all that much. I can't get around all that well, I can't sit on stools, I can't get too drunk. Everything seems to be touched. I just want to figure out a way to have a day, or even an hour, in which I can just forget about my knee, and not have any impact from it.

I used to love the night life, I used to boogie

I went out last night. I find that to be a really difficult thing to balance. If I don’t go out, I feel like a loser, and end up sitting home having a pity party all to myself. But if I do go out, it’s a ton of work. First of all, if the bar or restaurant doesn’t have low tables and chairs, I can’t stay more than half an hour. It’s hard to stand still for long amounts of time, and I can’t hang my leg down off a stool comfortably.

The place we were at last night did have low tables, so that was a good start. I didn’t do too badly until people started to get a little tipsy. First of all, I have to be careful how much I drink, because I need to stay in control of my body, physically. If I put the wrong pressure or step in the wrong direction, my knee buckles a little, and the pain is searing. In addition, drunk people are extremely sloppy. You can ask a person to stay clear of your knee, and they will, for about 5 minutes. Then something shiny (or sexy, or liquid) goes by, and they jump right up, land directly on your knee (ok, maybe just bump it) and tear off after the aforementioned shiny/sexy/liquid thing.

Also, there’s a bit of a mental challenge that goes with a night like that. It’s great to see friends, everyone is concerned, and asks a lot of questions. But somewhere around the 16th time I repeat what happened, what is going to happen during surgery, how long the recovery process is, why I can’t go to another event, etc, the weight of what is going on gets to me, and I generally burst out in tears. This is what happened last night. And again today in the kitchen with my roommate. And probably in about 30 seconds as I type this.

Sadistic Torture Sessions (ie: Physical Therapy)

I started physical therapy this week. I’ve been to this therapist before, but for a different issue (oh yeah, I’m all sorts of busted up in other ways too.) He measured my knees, the degree of flexibility in each leg, and then gave me some stretches and things to do. He also put me on the exercise bike. Here’s the thing. I don’t have enough flexibility yet for my knee to go all the way around on the bike. So I have to go forward as far as I can, and then again backwards to the same limit. It almost seems silly, I can get my foot to 12:00, and then back down and around to 2:00 or so. But that last little bit is just too stiff and painful. It seems like such a short distance, and yet my knee just doesn’t go.

My therapist said that I should do this at my gym, and that people will probably either be annoyed or tease me. I went to the gym this morning, and he was right. A trainer came up, told me it helps if you actually press on the pedals, and gave me a wink. He didn’t know, but it sucks to always be the butt of the joke.

Trampolines bad

So, this whole thing started a couple weeks ago. I was out in Jersey (bad things always happen to me in Jersey.) at a friend's BBQ. This friend owns a trampoline, and I thought it would be fun to jump a bit with the kids.

We're on and off and on and off all day, playing games, trying old cheerleader jumps, and otherwise having a great time. After a bit, my friend Margaret got on the trampoline with me. In one quick jump, we landed too close to each other and my left knee buckled. I crumpled, and couldn’t straighten my leg. The pain was pretty intense, and I was pretty sure I had done something bad.

Over the next few hours, the knee stiffened up and started to swell. Not really grapefruit z swelling, but my knee cap had lost it’s shape, and there was a lot of puffiness.

A couple of doctor’s visits and an MRI revealed I tore my left ACL completely thru. There are a couple of treatment options for this injury. The first is physical therapy, with no surgery. Not a bad option, as I’m not a big fan of anesthesia or knives, but it has drawbacks. Any kind of side to side cutting motion is pretty much not going to happen ever again, and the probability of osteoarthritis at an early age is pretty high.

The other option is to have the ACL surgically reconstructed. This is the option I’ve chosen, but it is not without it’s penalty. The surgery itself is outpatient, but up to 9 months of physical therapy are tacked on to the back side of that surgery. Crutches, a brace, and a lot of work lie ahead for this broken girl.